A Dozen Dubious Phobias
An exploration of the most fanciful, redundant, and outmoded terms for fears
Medical science has identified literally hundreds of irrational fears and furnished us with terms for them. Now, our dictionaries abound with “phobia” terminology. Although the Latin-based constructions lend these terms an air of gravity, more than a few phobias seem sort of silly at first blush.
Indeed, not all phobias are created equal. Some are more implausible than others, and more than a few are so rare that they barely justify a term. It doesn’t help that literary wiseacres have made up their own jocose terms for fictitious phobias, and that lexicographers and internet list-compilers have gone ahead and cataloged them as if they were medically sound. The most fanciful, redundant, and outmoded among the phobias will form our focus here.
Now, before we start, it should be said up front that we’re not out to shame anyone for their fears here. If you have a legit fear of anything, we empathize with you. Still, there’s good reason to try working through your fears, and so we’re going to attempt to get you on the path to doing so as we go along. Wherever we can, we’re going to provide some completely unprofessional advice about getting past your phobias through rationality and exposure.
Uranophobia seems like a good place to start. This term refers to a fear of heaven. Among other things, Dictionary.com defines heaven as a “place or state of supreme happiness.” Heaven, then, is the best place imaginable, so it’s difficult to conceive why anyone would be afraid of this. Perhaps uranophobics are actually afraid of the potential social dynamics of heaven — that is, the various in-groups and out-groups that could form over the course of eternal salvation. This suggests a more legitimate social phobia that’s so serious it risks persisting into the afterlife, and probably warrants therapy.
Chloephobia indicates a fear of newspapers. This disease has been effectively cured by the internet. But what a Pyrrhic victory that was. We all should all be terrified by the sheer volume of misinformation and irrational opinion circulating on the net. So why not give us a term for fear of the internet, medical science?
Arachibutyrophobia is an old chestnut on phobia lists. It conjures up a fear of peanut butter getting stuck to the roof of one’s mouth. Fellow phobia-list composers often put it down in earnest among clinically recognized fears. Some like to trace it back to a 1982 Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz. But no less a genius than Jeopardy! savant Ken Jennings has debunked this myth, claiming that the term’s origins are as of yet indeterminate, though they appear to predate the Peanuts reference. Whatever the case, the term doesn’t seem to be based in medical science. That hasn’t kept desperate content creators, including medically reviewed health writers, from latching onto it as if it’s a common thing. It’s hard to imagine why anyone who’d willingly put peanut butter in their mouth would fear it staying there — after all, the stickiness ensures an enduring flavor experience.
Similarly, Alliumphobia refers to a fear of garlic. If you suffer from this ailment, you’re either a vampire or you have no taste. Sure, this phobia may be based around potential stomach issues caused by garlic (along with onions, chives, and shallots), but indigestion is well worth it for the bold and savory gustatory sensation. In effect, alliumphobia is a fear of flavor. Garlic is the essence of good cooking. A simple aglio e olio sauce can add panache to virtually any pasta, vegetable, or meat, or many combinations thereof. All told, garlic is no less than a foretaste of heaven, so alliumphobia is really just a sub-strain of uranophobia.
Metrophobia concerns a fear of poetry.
Ideophobia refers to a fear of new ideas or thoughts. But the term is superfluous, because we already have a word for this. It’s called Republicanism.
Apeirophobia involves a fear of infinity. This one seems like an easy phobia to work through. If there’s an infinite universe, you’ve got to think that somewhere in the vast expanse there’s a version of you that’s not so easily scared.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is another inauthentic fear that all too often finds its way onto click-bait phobia lists. It ostensibly refers to a fear of long words, the “joke” being that the term would in itself constitute one of longest words in the English language. But the word was just made up for some British game show desperate to get laughs. Officially, medical terminologists have gone with the slightly less sadistic “sesquipedalophobia” to denote a fear of long words.
Chorophobia is a fear of dancing. This is only a problem if it lasts past eighth grade or your seventh beer. But if seeing others dancing is an issue for you, waltz on over to a shrink.
Ergophobia indicates a fear of work, which is a legitimate condition for those who have a terror of the workplace. Many Medium authors may know it well. But this term also has a specific usage in relation to a surgeon’s fear of operating. Could this be the most ridiculous of all phobias? Surgeons are, truth be told, the highest form of humanity — brilliant, driven, and fearless. And so, if a doctor slated to do surgery feels a fear of anything whatsoever, then they’re arguably not truly a surgeon.
Keanuphobia, as you may have guessed, pertains to a fear of Keanu Reeves. This term was coined by Dean Koontz in his novel False Memory, wherein a female character sees a psychiatrist due to an irrational fear of the Canadian actor who would go on to play John Wick. So if you see a phobia list featuring this term, you’ll know it’s a bad batch. The whole truth is that the term “Koontzphobia” charts a more legitimate malady — that is, the very rational fear that the writings of Dean Koontz have become in any way culturally relevant.
Rounding out our dozen is Triskaidekaphobia, a fear of the number between 12 and 14. This is obviously a culture-bound syndrome, an irrational fear borne out of a persistent western numerological superstition. It’s nothing that can’t be cured by a little aversion therapy.
In that spirit, we’ll make it a baker’s dozen and introduce a bonus fear, Friggatriskaidekaphobia, a subcategory of the above condition. This refers specifically to a fear of Friday the 13th. Of course, it’s purportedly a day when bad things happen, not to mention a macabre movie series. But Friday the 13th happens three times a year at most, and that in itself is a rare occurrence. Being laid up in terror for a couple days in a calendar year hardly constitutes a crippling fear.
And for all you triskaidekaphobes, if you’ve read this far, consider yourself on the road to recovery.
Putting all the pithiness and acerbity aside, if you suffer from a phobia — even one of those discussed above — consider seeking professional help. It’s not at all shameful to feel fear. In our present world of climate change and political polarization, it’s almost pathological if you’re not afraid.
Still, one can’t help but interrogate the compulsion among members of the medical and psychological communities to invent new terms, to say nothing of the lexicographers who pick up these neologisms uncritically. Mental health professionals should know that they’re already part of an indispensable industry, so they don’t have to further justify their existence with a constant stream of questionable jargon. In all seriousness, what is the incidence rate of some of these aforementioned phobias? Social phobia, a very grim and prevalent psychological condition, affects approximately 5% of the population. So we can only assume that it’s a relatively negligible percentage that experience, say, uranophobia or chloephobia. Perhaps just having a term for “fear of preposterous things” would suffice in describing a lot of the phobias we’ve encountered above.
But that’s just the opinion of one Medium author who happens to be skeptical, or borderline afraid, of neologisms. Perhaps I’m — oh, oh God! — NEOLOGOPHOBIC!
No wait, I’m all right. I’m calm. “Neologophobic” has already been coined.
